Shane's Rib Shack - Restaurant Review

Restaurant Review - Shane's Rib Shack   

Location - Town Center Mall, Kennesaw, GA

Verdict - Bad-B-Q

Great BBQ has always been associated with Joints - dirty, smoky, slightly unwelcoming places where only the most dedicated and brave dare to enter.    In many cases, the risk of food poisoning is rewarded with great food.   Over time, an unspoken rule has emerged - good BBQ can't be mass produced.  It was with this rule in mind that I decided to test a newcomer to the Atlanta BBQ scene - Shane's Rib Shack.   A featured player in the Raving Brands franchise chain, Shane's Rib Shack has begun to infiltrate the malls and byways of suburban Atlanta.  I wondered, "Can you really cook BBQ in a food court?"  I'm not going to hide my bias.  I'm solidly in the Joint crowd.  To me, the idea of good food court BBQ is as likely as finding real breasts in a strip bar, which is to say unlikely at best.

So I set off for the food court in  Town Center Mall in Kennesaw, GA - home of such culinary giants as Sbarro, Taco Bell, and Chik-fil-A.  Pushing my way past the stroller-wielding throngs of soccer moms and text-messaging teens, I found the Carl Black Food Court.  For those not familiar with the metro Atlanta area, Carl Black is a large auto dealer.  It goes without saying that good food is always associated with car dealerships, right?  I strolled past several pseudo-Asian restaurants offering me free samples of their delicious bourbon chicken.  I wondered, "Since when did bourbon become a staple Asian sauce?"   Then I saw it, lurking in the back corner of the Carl Black Food Court.  My destination de jour.

As I saddled up to the counter and perused the menu on the wall, two fresh-faced teenage girls asked me what I would like eat.  I was confounded.  The whole concept of an eighteen year old girl serving me barbeque rendered me momentarily speechless.   I told them I'd like to try the ribs, since Shane was so proud of them as to include them in the name of the restaurant.   For my sides, I elected for Brunswick stew and toast. 

While I was waiting for them to produce my order, I decided to engage the kids in a game of twenty questions.  I figured it would make for interesting sport to ask these kids how they made their BBQ.  When I asked the young ladies behind the counter what type of wood they smoked the ribs with, their eyes began to glaze over and they appeared to be in the grips of the Fear.    Quickly, I was referred to a twenty-ish looking young man lurking in the kitchen.  He pointed out a couple smallish industrial smokers languishing by a apparently infrequently used grill.  Closer inspection revealed that Shane's Rib Shack preferred to use the Southern Pride Smoke Chef and DH-65.  The cook told me that they cooked the ribs for roughly two and a half hours at 225 degrees and had abandoned using smoke chips some time ago.  Knowing the little bit that I know about BBQ, I found myself also in the grips of the Fear.  What kind of rib only requires two and half hours of cooking?  What kind of genetically-altered pig was I about to ingest and what kind of adverse affect would it have on my ability to have children?

     When my food was delivered, I was given the option of 3 sauce choices - original, spicy, and hot.  I elected to run the gauntlet and try them all.  I retired to my two-top table to sample the wares.  Feeling a bit nervous, I decided to inspect the food a little closer before I ingested it.  I pulled the ribs apart, looking for the tell-tale smoke ring that is the first sign of good Q.  I wish I could tell you that I was surprised to find a beautiful pink ring of smokey goodness.  Alas, none was to be found.  As well, the sauce was as thin and tasteless as a European runway model and as good as an American Idol cover of "Ain't no Mountain High Enough".  The first bite was surprising only in the fact that  it was more tender than I was prepared to expect from a mere two and a half hours of low temperature cooking.

     Were the ribs awful?  No.  Were they BBQ?  Absolutely not.  This was BBQ on the level of the McRib.  To be fair, this  food exceeds the McRib in the fact that it is not pork that has been extruded and reformed into a patty-like thingy and served on a bun.  Beyond that, I don't see any difference.  This is Bad Eats in its purest form.  A Thing-To-Be-Avoided-At-All-Costs.

    So, what about the rest of it?  The Brunswick stew in no way resembled it's namesake.  It was thin, runny, and utterly devoid of flavor.   To their credit, Shane's Rib Shack apparently has mastered the fine art of toast and sweet tea.   Those of you more experienced in the subtle ways of communication know what it means to praise a BBQ restaurant for its sweet tea.   It's not a compliment. I was as thankful as a prisoner for my ration of bread and flavored water, for without it I would have gone completely hungry.

     It will Christmas before I again venture into the horrendous maw of the Mall and you can rest assured that I will be filling my belly before I go.  I'd rather eat Asian bourbon chicken before I eat this Bad-B-Q again.

Comments

[The Lone Pedant]

Hey Finchy! I think you meant "sidled up," not "saddled up".

Hubs and Switches,

-TLP

[food poisoning symptoms]

Hey Finchy! I think you meant "sidled up," not "saddled up".

Hubs and Switches,

-TLP

[Heather]

People love this place and I don't understand why. Except maybe people just want a Disney experience and don't really care what the food actually tastes like.

[san francisco onion]

A handful of errors and typos, but otherwise a very nice piece of writing.

You should join us at thespoof.com writing satire!